Thankful this Thanksgiving

I guess I could follow the theme of the weekend by listing some of the work-related things I am thankful for this Thanksgiving:

1.       My book- I’m so happy and proud of this accomplishment and thankful for all the people that helped me realize it.

2.       All the smart, interesting, thoughtful caring people I have met through my training and consulting.

3.       The people I have come to know who really think about this work, develop new ideas, and strive to change the world. These include Steve Brown, Laurie Pearlman, Sandy Bloom, Kay Saakvitne, Martha Holden, Sarah Yanosi, and many others. It’s great to bounce ideas off of each other and thus come up with even better thoughts.

4.       The concept of vicarious transformation.

5.       My new friend at the UConn School of Social Work Megan Berthold whose courageous work with torture survivors has taught her a lot about surviving with dignity.

6.       The opportunity to teach at the School of Social Work- I’m going to teach a real credit course this semester!

7.       My wonderful supportive workplace, Klingberg Family Centers, with all its good humored and hard working people. We are developing new ways to provide excellence in trauma informed care.

8.       Our relationship with the publisher/owner of Risking Connection, Sidran Institute, Esther Giller and Elizabeth Power.

9.       Our work with our Risking Connection trainers. I am very proud of what we do to improve treatment excellence through our consultation groups. Our Day of Learning and Sharing with Ruta Mazelis looks to be another excellent event.

10.   Our new webinars offering training and consultation to our distant trainers.

11.   The fact that both Risking Connection and the Restorative Approach have just been accepted for inclusion on an Evidence Based List, the California Evidence Based Clearing House for Child Welfare.

12.   A new research project we have just been commissioned to do in the Yukon Territory in Canada.

13.   Our working on adapting Risking Connection to native Hawaiian values with Child and Family Service and Partners in Development in Hawaii.

14.    The marvelous people who are directly responsible for the Traumatic Stress Institute of Klingberg Family Centers: Steve Brown, Marci Marciniec, and our newly hired associate, Michelle Kenefick.

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

What Difference Do Templates Make?

I have been trying to figure out ways to convey to people the importance of a person’s basic templates about other people. These templates are formed early in life, before the baby has language. All of our expectations and actions are based on these templates. We see them as the way the world is, not as our ideas or opinions. The reason I feel it is so important to highlight these templates is that I have come to believe that our most important task as treaters is to change these templates from “people can’t be trusted and they hurt you” to “some people are trustworthy and can be a source of joy and help.” If we understand that, it changes how we approach treatment.

I devised the following exercise to demonstrate the effect of templates. To use this for training, I would divide the group into smaller groups. Give each group a pair of scenarios. Instruct them to consider what each youth is feeling, and what they are likely to do next. What might be the difference between the ways that the two youth would react? When they are done, each group should choose a member to portray the youth. This person should read the scenario then continue with “I am feeling… What I plane to do about this is… “Hopefully what will come out is that kids who have had good experiences with people are more likely to ask for help and hide problems without getting into trouble. Kids who have had bad early experiences with adults are more likely to think that they have to handle the problem themselves and more likely to use violence and threats, because those are the only solutions they know.

Here are the scenarios:

My name is Daquan. I am 15, and my life hasn’t been that great so far. DCF took me out of my family when I was five, and I have been moving around a lot since then. I live in a foster home, and DCF gave me this scholarship to send me to camp. One of my bunk mates, Seth,  is bigger than me and he has been threatening me, demanding to wear my clothes,  and saying he is going to beat me up. I don’t know what to do..

My name is Darrell. I am 15, and I live with my mom and dad and little brother, Joey. We mostly get along pretty well. My school gave me this scholarship to send me to camp. One of my bunk mates, Seth, is bigger than me and he has been threatening me, demanding to wear my clothes, and saying he is going to beat me up. I don’t know what to do..

My name is Bianca. I am sixteen years old. I live in a group home. I’ve always hated school and I don’t do well there. I especially don’t understand math and this year algebra makes no sense at all to me. Yesterday the teacher called on me and I had no idea of the answer. I mumbled something and left for the bathroom. I don’t know what to do.

My name is Estelle. I am sixteen years old. I live with my mom and dad and three sisters. We all love each other except sometimes my sisters drive me crazy. I’ve always hated school and I don’t do well there. I especially don’t understand math and this year algebra makes no sense at all to me. Yesterday the teacher called on me and I had no idea of the answer. I mumbled something and left for the bathroom. I don’t know what to do.

My name is Kyle. I have just moved into a foster home- I don’t even know how many I have been in since I was taken from my family when I was six. Last night I was at a party at a friend’s house. There was a lot of drinking and some kids were doing drugs. The noise and rowdiness kind of got out of hand and next thing I knew the police were called. I didn’t know what to do.

My name is Tommy. I live with my grandmother and I love her very much. She has always raised me to know right from wrong. Last night I was at a party at a friend’s house. There was a lot of drinking and some kids were doing drugs. The noise and rowdiness kind of got out of hand and next thing I knew the police were called. I didn’t know what to do.

My name is Sarah. I lived with my mom until I was 12, and she had some serious problems. I am 18 now. I lived in a shelter and then some foster homes. I got pregnant last year and now have my wonderful baby Melissa. But some nights she cries and cries and just won’t sleep. I don’t know what to do.

My name is Rebecca. I am 18 now. I lived with my mom until I got pregnant last year. Mom was upset, but she and my Aunt Susie stood by me. Now have my wonderful baby Melissa. But some nights she cries and cries and just won’t sleep. I don’t know what to do.

My name is John. I grew up with a lot of violence, and my Dad is in jail now for killing someone. My mom just seems to bring home these angry guys. I am 18 now, I’m sharing an apartment with two friends and I have a job. I still get some help from the state. One of my roommates is driving me crazy. He is a real slob and leaves his stuff everywhere, never cleans up after a meal. I have complained to him but he has not changed. I don’t know what to do.

My name is Rick. I grew up with my mom and dad and brother. I am 18 now, I’m sharing an apartment with two friends and I have a job. My mom makes me food and sometimes still does my laundry. One of my roommates is driving me crazy. He is a real slob and leaves his stuff everywhere, never cleans up after a meal. I have complained to him but he has not changed. I don’t know what to do.

Please click on “comment” and let me know what you think about this approach. Especially if you try it with your staff, PLEASE write me and tell me how it goes.

Just think what our lives would be like if we thought our most important task was to teach our clients that people can be associated with pleasure,

 

 

Who Are These Big People?

When a baby is very small, before she has language, she is already investigating the world in which she lives and coming to conclusions about what kind of place it is. Most importantly, she is learning about the people around her. Who are these big people? How do they treat me? When one of them comes over to me, do I generally feel better or worse?

 In good enough parenting, the presence of a person is usually associated with pleasure. I am hungry, someone comes and feeds me and I experience pleasure. I cry, someone rocks and soothes me.I am wet, someone changes me. The baby gradually discovers that she can do things to affect these people: she cries, they come; she smiles, they smile; and she enjoys many other positive interactions. Since the baby has no language at this point, she cannot create a narrative of these experiences. Instead the are stored deep in her body as a template, a pattern, a set of assumptions about how the world is. As the child grows older, she does not understand this view of the world to be an opinion based on her experience; she feels it as the truth about how the world is. These truths of course influence how she acts in the world.

If a baby is neglected or abused before she has language, she too forms a template about how the world is. She too knows the truth about other people: no matter what you do they don't come; if they do come they are often harsh and angry ;they don't undertsand what I need; sometimes they hurt me; they often seem upset that I need anything. This baby too grows up with deep unexamined assumptions about the nature of the world; this girl too acts based on those assumptions.

A person does act differently based on what they know about the world around them. Imagine that you have just started a new job that you are very excited about. On the third day you get an email from the CEO of the company asking you to meet with him the next day. You are scared and surprised, and you wonder what this is about, so you ask a co-worker. The co-worker says, "oh, don't worry, he meets with all new employees. He is a great guy, he loves to help new people and make sure they have the resouurcves to learn and develop in the company". How would this infludence your subsequent preparatione for the meeting? How would it influence how you act in the meeting?

Oh the other hand, imagine that when you ask your co-worker about the meeting she says: "Oh my God, I'm sorry to hear that. The CEO here is a total idiot. He's always yelling at us for something. When a new person is hired he always tried to intimidate them into performing well. He has to establish that he's the boss and tell you what will happen if you do anything wrong." How would this infludence your subsequent preparatione for the meeting? How would it influence how you act in the meeting?

We act differently towards people based on our unexamined, unarticulated assumptions about them.

Luckily, even though these templates are formed early and stored deep in the lower part of the brain, they can be changed. Our central job in treatment is to change the child's assumptions about people from: people are mean. You can't trust them and they hurt you. Best to stay away from them and take care of everything your self. to: people can be nice. Some are trustworthy and will gladly help you. Some will love you. Connections with others will make your life better and easier.

So how do we do that? We think about all the qualities we wish the child expected in other people. Then we ourselves exemplify those qualities. And we create positive, pleasurable, fun interactions for the child with adults. We include many pleasurable activites that involve physical activity, rythym, movement, art, music, dance, etc. this will open the lower brain so that more change is possible.And we have to continue doing these things over and over again for a long time. The brain can change, but it takes many repetitions especially to change early templates stored in the lower brain.

So, that's pretty amazing. It turns out that behavior will change not primarily because it is punished, but primarily because the child's view of the world and other people gradually changes. As she begins to feel safer and to associate adults with pleasure she will no longer need to utilize extreme behaviors to push people away. Therefore, all people in treatment programs must emphasize having fun with the kids and making sure than most of their interactions are pleasureful. Sounds like a fun job to me!